An Animated/Action Feature Film
Based on the Characters Created by Tom K. Ryan
Original Story and Screenplay by E. Stephen McCallum
Script Direction, based on Mel Brooks
Dialogue Direction, based on George Carlin
FADE IN:
MAIN TITLES- THEME MUSIC MONTAGE OF CHARACTERS
A. TUMBLEWEEDS (the Cowboy) riding EPIC (his horse) at moderate speed, delivering the mail for the Pony Express, being chased by BRAVE ONE (Poohawk Indian) and three other braves (Indians).
B. HILDEGARDE HAMHOCKER (School Marm) reading to little ECHO (her daughter), in the living room of their home. PAJAMAS, the dog, is asleep at their feet.
C. In the Saloon, JUDGE FRUMP is holding court. The SHERIFF and the DEPUTY are holding up SOPPY SOPWELL-- the town drunk.
D. ACE (the Gambler) is playing solitaire at a table in the Saloon.
E. The CHIEF (Poohawk) lays on the ground, with his head sticking out of his teepee. The MEDICINE MAN is SEEN prescribing two aspirins and a glass of water.
F. LOTSA LUCK (tiny Poohawk Indian, who never speaks directly) is SEEN painting a meadow on canvas, while standing on a turtle's back, as LIMPID LIZARD (a “very special” Poohawk) is catching a grasshopper -- with his bow and arrow.
G. The COLONEL and the CAPTAIN inspect the Cavalry, in the center yard of the Army Post.
H. The GROVER, the Editor, exiting the Newspaper, and giving PERCY, the Paperboy, a new edition to deliver through town. (NOTE: Make this headline something from the real world, pertinent at the time.)
I. The Cemetery as CLAUDE CLAY, the Undertaker, watches WIMBLE, the Digger, prepare a new grave.(NOTE: the tombstone should read something from the real world, too.)
PROLOGUE
EXT. THE WOODS - NIGHT - LONG SHOT - CABIN
with the lights on. CAMERA DOLLYS through the trees, along a well-worn path. The moonlight shines between the boughs and limbs, and casts its light upon a torn piece of paper nailed to a tree.
CLOSE SHOT - PIECEOF PAPER
It's a wanted poster of, "Snake-Eye McFoul: wanted for bank robbery, rustling, mugging, fraud, shake-down, looting, hijacking, and generally being a very not-nice-guy!"
BACK TO SCENE - TRAIL TO CABIN
CAMERA DOLLYS towards cabin, stopping at window, then ZOOMS IN through window.
INT. FRONT ROOM (CABIN)- NIGHT - SNAKE-EYE - SNOOKIE
The CABIN is poorly furnished, there is a table, one chair, a LARGE high-chair, and a pile of dirty dishes on a side table. At the table is SNAKE-EYE McFOUL. In the high-chair is his “baby” brother, SNOOKIE, a forty-year-old prepubescent child, in a diaper. Dinner is on the table.
SNAKE-EYE
Baby brudder, finish yor otmel!
An' donnot play wit youse food!
SNOOKIE
Me dinnit like otmel... two many lumps.
SNAKE-EYE
But youse gotta et good food,
so youse can grow up fine, like me.
(beat)
If'n youse finish it, I'll tell youse a bedtime ferrytail.
Snookie bounces up and down in his highchair.
SNOOKIE
Goodie! Goodie!
I wanta hear how the west wuz one!
SNAKE-EYE
I has tol' youse dat tail fore times dis month.
SNOOKIE
Cuz its me fay-or-right!
SNAKE-EYE
Okays.
INT. BACK ROOM (CABIN)- NIGHT - SNAKE-EYE - SNOOKIE
One candle and a low fire light the room. Snookie has been tucked into bed. Snake-Eye picks up the candle and turns to leave.
SNOOKIE
Youse promised me a bedtime story!
Snake-Eye sets down the candle…and slides his chair up next to the bed.
SNAKE-EYE
Sose I did. How da west wuz won?
SNOOKIE
(bouncing up and down)
Yes!
SNAKE-EYE
All right! Bee haves youse sef,
or I'll blow out dis ‘ere candle.
(beat)
Okay. It was a while's back. Da Injuns and
da soldiers waz carryin' on ah horenduz feud.
Snake-Eye’s voice fades as…
EXT. POOHAWK VILLAGE - DAY
CAMERA FOLLOWS through the village, witnessing all the braves and squaws prepare for battle. Children play around the war materials, and pretend battles of their own.
CAMERA BOOMS UP and PANS RIGHT to reveal the CHIEF and the MEDICINE MAN high on a cliff overlooking the village. The Chief is lying on the ground, his nose over the edge. The Medicine Man sits upon a rock, his legs crossed.
CHIEF
(languishly)
My lovely children. They have no concept
of the many, arduous decisions I must make,
to keep them simple, ignorant peasants.
MEDICINE MAN
And how long have you had these delusions of grandeur?
CHIEF
What delusions? You pronounced me divine...
and old ones blessed me as wise... and the war
council declared me courageous.
How can you argue with so many?
MEDICINE MAN
We chose you... because the only other
candidate was a deaf, blind sheep farmer...
from Wisconsin!
CHIEF
Politics is a game best played by those
touched by the hand of God.
MEDICINE MAN
Well, I can avow that you've been touched...
but, I'm pretty sure it wasn't by God.
EXT. ARMY POST - DAY - THE CAVALRY
CAMERA FOLLOWS through the Fort as the soldiers prepare themselves for battle. Even the horsesare seen "getting emotionally ready" for the coming charges.
The CAPTAIN is SEEN completing an inspection of one platoon of soldiers and horses. They are sloppy and clownish. He turns and crosses to the COLONEL -- standing impatiently in front of the headquarters.
COLONEL
They're pathetic. It's a genuine wonder how
the American horse soldier has becomethe
envy of the civilized world.
CAPTAIN
Sir. They're all experienced, battle-hardened fighters.
But they're riding cornfed, unbroken ponies.
(beat)
An attack on the Indians now would be disastrous.
COLONEL
Don't make excuses for them, mister!
They're all rejects, criminals...
and Confederate rebels! Losers... all of them.
(beat)
How can I be expected to destroy the heathens
in this territory, if my equipment is lower on the
evolutionary scale than my enemy?
CAPTAIN
(sarcastic)
The fortunes of war, sir.
EXT. MAINSTREET (GRIMY GULCH) - DAY - LONGSHOT
from one end of the street to the other. Both ends are blocked off and the townspeople are armed in their own defense.
In the center of town, in front of the Saloon, stand TUMBLEWEEDS, ACE, JUDGE FRUMP, and HILDEGARDE HAMHOCKER.
CLOSE SHOT - GROUP
JUDGE FRUMP
We have to stop this continuous slaughter!
This bloody war is destroying our town!
(beat)
If the Indians and the Soldiers must kill each other,
why does it have to be right here?
ACE
They're fighting over who gets control of
Grimy Gulch, therefore, the side that destroys
it first gets to keep it.
(beat)
Mr. Mayor, you should be thrilled. Your little
piss-ant town is right up there with
Jerusalem and Sarajevo.
HILDEGARDE
Judge Frump! It is your responsibility to
protect the good folk of this town from those
ruthless, lawless warmongers!
(beat)
Besides, all this confusion has postponed my wedding!
TUMBLEWEEDS
(frustrated)
Hildegarde Hamhocker!...
There ain't gonna be no weddin',
with or without no war!
(beat)
Judge, for now we just gotta keep watch.
Ol' Mole-Eye, the Indian Scout, is out scoutin' the
Indian village. And Claude Clay, the Undertaker,
has rode out to the Fort. We'll know more
when they return with reports.
CLOSEUP - JUDGE - ACE - HILDEGARDE
ALL THREE
What?!
ACE
Why did the Undertaker risk his life out there?
CLOSEUP - TUMBLEWEEDS
TUMBLEWEEDS
(shrugs shoulders)
To see if the Colonel would like group rates,
for the duration of the war.
ANGLE - GROVER – PERCY
GROVER, the Editor, hands PERCY, the Paperboy, the newest edition in front of the local newspaper, The Desert Denouncer. Percy ENTERS running down Mainstreet, shouting.
PERCY
Read all about it! History sunk!
Ancestors are Fish!
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - ACE - JUDGE FRUMP - PERCY
as the boy stops in front of the men -- breathing heavy.
TUMBLEWEEDS
What's all the noise about, Percy?
Whose ancestors are fish?
PERCY
Yours. Senator Ignatius Donnelly has finally
discovered Atlantis!
ACE
That don't make us frogs.
PERCY
As you know, an irate pressman once beaned
Grover, my editor, with a composing stick,
thereby sorta scattering his type.
(beat)
Mr. Darwin's discovered evolution, and
Mr. Donnelly's discovered Atlantis...
therefore, man was once a fish.
JUDGE FRUMP
Makes sense...to ol' Grover.
EXT. POOHAWKVILLAGE - DAY - CLOSE SHOT - OL' MOLE-EYE
High on the ridge above the valley. OL' MOLE-EYE is stretched out on the ground,with just his nose and good eye over the edge, watching the Poohawk Village.
ANGLE - OL' MOLE-EYE
as the CAMERA PULLSBACK to show the path up to the ridge. Two braves, BRAVEONE and LIMPIDLIZARD, hiding behind the rocks. Both Indians quietly sneak up on Ol' Mole-Eye. Brave One pokes the Indian Scout with his lance.
MOLE-EYE
Whoa!
BRAVE ONE
(deep English accent)
Excuse me. I hope we haven't interrupted
anything important.
LIMPID LIZARD
Watch choo dooin' hear?
MOLE-EYE
Ooooh... just contemplatin'.
LIMPID LIZARD
Condemn plading whad?
MOLE-EYE
The place of Man in the play of life.
LIMPID LIZARD
(to Brave One) He tawks like da cheef.
BRAVE ONE
Would you be so awfully kind as to join us,
as we report this to our illustrious commander?
Both Indians wave their lances at the scout.
MOLE-EYE
I would be honoured... of course.
BRAVE ONE
That is most considerate of you. The Chief
becomes so uncivilized when we are required
to scalp a potential espionage agent...
before he has the opportunity to
cross-exam the subject.
Mole-Eye gingerly strokes his head and replaces his hat with care.
EXT. ARMY POST – DAY – CAVALRY
Inter-yard of the fort, as CLAUDE CLAY stands by the COLONEL and the CAPTAIN. Many soldiers perform their regular duties in the b.g.
CLAUDE CLAY
But, Colonel, sir. If things stay as they have for
the past few months, it is highly probable your
whole post will be killed.
(beat)
Wouldn't it be much more reassuring to know
that those most elegant final duties have been
tastefully pre-arranged?
COLONEL
Undertaker, if you want business... go see
those heathen Redskins! 'Cause, I'm gonna run them
outta the West... and right into their
Happy Hunting Ground!
CAPTAIN.
Sir! Our duty is to protect the civilians, and
ensure that the Indians are protected on their
authorized reservations. We have no instructions
to decimate any populations.
COLONEL
Son, are you trying to tell me how to do my job?
CAPTAIN
No, Sir. I'm just trying to remind you...
we have no real argument for fighting with
the Poohawks.
CLOSEUP - COLONEL
COLONEL
I don't need an argument to run those red-skinned
heathens from this country. We are the only ones
with a right to live here!
BACK TO SCENE
CAPTAIN
Sir... this land belonged to the Indians for centuries,
before the white man came to this country.
COLONEL
That's right. And look what they did to it. Nothing!
No progress... no development... no civilization!
Not one single Starbucks!
CLAUDE CLAY
Colonel, there were forty separate Indian nations,
complete with culture, civilization, and traditions...
before the armies of the British, French, Spanish,
and Americans wipe them out.
COLONEL
That's my point, boy! If they were really civilized,
they never would have let us kill them!
WIDE SHOT - CLAUDECLAY - THE SOLDIERS
as Claude Clay moves away from the two Army officers. The Colonel storms off towards the headquarters as the Captain approaches the Undertaker.
CAPTAIN
Mr Clay, I apologize for the Colonel's behavior.
This continual animosity has made him quite
irrational.
(beat)
Please, tell the townspeople that we regret
that they are in the middle of all this.
The Captain turns to walk away as Claude Clay takes one last look around at the war preparations, and then mounts his funeral carriage.
EXT. POOHAWK VILLAGE - DAY
as Brave One, Limpid Lizard and Mole-Eye enter the village. Indians are walking leading a horse with Mole-Eye belly- over the saddle. All the villagers stand around and stare.
ANGLE - THE CHIEF'STEEPEE
as the Chief steps out of his tent. Brave One and Limpid Lizard stop in front of the Chief, and pull Mole-eye from the pony. As Brave One pushes Mole-Eye towards the Chief, Limpid Lizard can be seen in b.g., sitting down on a rock and removing his moccasin. Out falls a pebble. Limpid Lizard pets it, and it becomes a turtle.
CHIEF
What's ya'll doin' in our ol'
neighborhood?
MOLE-EYE
Just admiring the lovely day, and
contemplating the ways of the world.
CHIEF
An honorable and rewarding past-time.
But why, pray tell, overlooking my poor
and humble village?
MOLE-EYE
All know that your people have the
greatest communion with Nature!
Where else, then, should one come to
witness such beauty and majesty?
CHIEF
Where else, indeed!... Now, son, I am inclined
to believe your fantasy. However, the social
tensions being what they are these days,
my people demand strict adherence
to our tribal laws.
MOLE-EYE
I understand your very untenable position.
Even the divinely chosen must maintain the
respect of the masses, in self-preservation.
What is tribal law in this matter?
CHIEF
(resignedly)
I'm embarrassed, and pained, to tell you this.
But, there are only two choices in a case of
potential spying. A lance through the heart,
or marrying my daughter.
ANGLE - THE GROUP - PRINCESSMOONBEAM
as a large, straggled-tooth squaw, PRINCESS MOONBEAM, steps forward to stand by her father. Mole-Eye is extremely nervous.
MOLE-EYE
You will, of course, accept my apologies
if I choose the lance through the heart?
CHIEF
(looking at Moonbeam)
You are an honorable man.
(to Brave One)
Give him twenty lashes,
then let him walk home.
CLOSEUP - MOLE-EYE
MOLE-EYE
(cautiously)
That's the advantage of honesty.
EXT. POOHAWKVILLAGE - DAY
with Mole-Eye tied to a birch-bark tree, stripped to the waist, a brave is just about to administer the punishment. The Chief enters and crosses to the Indian Scout.
CHIEF
Since you probably won't be very sociable,
or in the particular mood for conversation,
after this exercise, I wish to convey to you
a message. Tell your townspeople that
we'll try to limit ourselves to only killing
Bluecoats.
(beat)
Perhaps it would be advantageous to
have all take a vacation. I hear that
Tombstone is quite comfortable…
this time of year.
MOLE-EYE
You have my sincerest thanks...
for your hospitality. I will gladly pass
on your thoughts and wishes.
CAMERA TILTS UP to the blue sky, as the SOUND of lashing begins.
EXT. MAINSTREET (GRIMY GULCH) - DAY
LONG SHOT with the sun near the horizon in the b.g. CAMERA MOVES IN slowly towards the corral and the smithy. Tumbleweeds enters at a run, looking over his shoulder.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Hildegarde Hamhocker!...
I'm not marrying you!
Hildegarde enters chasing Tumbleweeds, as we PULL BACK.
HILDEGARDE
Dumplings, you're missing the chance of a lifetime!
The battle's all around us... cannon fire heralding the
climax. And above it, a single church bell heralding
our beginning.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - HILDEGARDE
as both run away from the CAMERA.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Dere ain't gonna be no beginnings!
Tumbleweeds dashes behind the stables with Hildegarde not far behind.
ANGLE - ACE - ECHO – PAJAMAS
CAMERA PANS left to the General Store. Ace is next to ECHO. They are looking O.S. towards Tumbleweeds and Hildegarde. PAJAMAS, the dog, is asleep next to Echo.
ACE
Child, your Aunt is a very determined woman.
ECHO
Yessir. She says love is a rose garden. But it
requires determination to fertilize the plot.
Tumbleweeds enters into the street from the alley between the GeneralStore and the Barber Shop. He looks both ways, then runs towards the CAMERA, just as Hildegarde reaches the street. She starts running after Tumbleweeds.
TOWNSMAN (O.S.)
Undertaker's Coming!
ANGLE - BARRICADE - TOWNSMEN
The group of Townspeople at the barricade begin moving the wagons out of the way, as one TOWNSMAN faces the Mainstreet to see if anyone responds to his call.
Claude Clay's funeral carriage can be seen in b.g. moving forward. Claude Clay rides up casually, and stops his carriage in front of the Saloon. He climbs down and dusts off his clothes as Ace and Tumbleweeds arrive.
The Judge and the Sheriff exit the Saloon.
JUDGE FRUMP
(shouts)
Miss Hamhocker! This is serious business!
As Hildegarde rushes into view and crashes into Tumbleweeds as they pile together on the ground.
HILDEGARDE
So is securing my future!
(rises primly)
A girl's gotta do what she can...
before you men destroy yourselves.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - EPIC
as Tumbleweeds is lying on the ground, his horse, EPIC, walks over and licks him.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(to Epic)
Why don't you marry her?
Epic slumps to the ground-- asleep.
ANGLE - THE GROUP
ACE
Perhaps we might have Mz Hamhocker
join the Army. Her enthusiasm would
serve them well.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(up; slaps dust off)
I don't hate the Indians that much!
(beat)
Or the Cavalry!
The men laugh.
INT. SALOON(GRIMY GULCH) - DAY
Judge Frump, the Sheriff, Ace, Claude and Tumbleweeds seated around a table near the back of the room. SOPPY, the town drunk, enters with a bottle and some glasses.
SOPPY
When's da... hiccup... cellar-brayton?
TUMBLEWEEDS
What celebration, Soppy?
SOPPY
The cellar-brayshion where you give
away free drinks! Ain't that why
you threw this war?
JUDGE FRUMP
There shall be no celebration,
if there's no town.
(beat; disgusted)
Sopwell, place yourself under arrest…
for public drunkenness.
SOPPY
Ah, come on! Ain't even dark...yet!
(staggers away; to himself)
Civilization's bein' destroyed by all
dem dum ruhles and reg-clue-lashions.
ANGLE - THE TABLE
JUDGE FRUMP
Now, Clay, what did you learn from the Army?
CLAUDE CLAY
He is leaving all arrangements up to each
deceased’s particular family. I'll probably
make nothing more than expenses.
JUDGE FRUMP
Not that, you demented fool!
About the War! Is the Army going to stop?
CLAUDE CLAY
Oh! No! The Colonel is planning to
slaughter the Poohawks.
(disgusted)
There ain't no profit in that. Those heathens
burn their dead. And we haven't invented
civilized cremations... yet.
SHERIFF
Well. That don't help us none.
We're gonna have to get
supplies soon or there won't be
no further need to worry.
JUDGE FRUMP
What can we do? With both those idiot
gangs running around trying to kill everyone
in sight. No one can drive a wagon
across the territory!
ACE
Even the Pony Express won't let
Tumbleweeds make a delivery.
(beat)
Been two months since I got a new deck of cards.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(frustrated)
This ain't gettin' us nowhere.
(beat; rising)
I'm gonna ride out and see what Mole-Eye knows.
Tumbleweeds rises to leave.
ACE
Watch your hair, pardner.
EXT. ARMY POST - NIGHT - CAVALRY
CAMERA PANS over the sentry posts and the sleepy barracks, then MOVES in towards the headquarters and a brightly-lit window.
INT. ARMY HEADQUARTERS - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
The Colonel stands at the end of the table, with a map laid out in front of him. The other officers sit around the table, eating their meal during the briefing.
CAPTAIN
Sir, this war has carried on for over four
years, now. The Poohawks are the last tribe
to survive the introduction of the Gatling gun.
COLONEL
(interrupting)
Proof that they're using evil, heathen magic!
When people are shot with large masses of
hot lead, they should die!
CAPTAIN
I meant... Sir...
that we should try only to contain them
on their own reservation. Not commit
total genocide for some unethical,
racial prejudice.
COLONEL
What?!... I've got deals to build condos
on that riverfront property! This isn't
blatant racism... it's... it’s business!
Progress!
LT. TERRENCE
Excuse me, Sir?
COLONEL
Yes, Lieutenant.
LT. TERRENCE
Are you ordering us to kill innocent
women and children, Sir?
COLONEL
Son, I'm ordering you to kill any heathen
you see. If those happen to be bloody
females, and future savages, who cares?
LT. TERRENCE
I'm sorry, Sir.
I won't attack or kill anyone not fighting me.
Loud GROANS of fear flow through the room. The Colonel begins to turn various colors.
CAPTAIN
(sternly)
SIR! The lieutenant is in his rights...
by regulations. No commander can
order the intentional destruction of
noncombatants.
COLONEL
All right, then, ladies.
We'll just go in and slap them all upon
their faces. That way no one will object!
The Colonel drops into his chair, sad and frustrated.
BLACK OUT:
CHYRON "Meanwhile, at the Poohawk Village"
EXT. POOHAWKVILLAGE - NIGHT
A war councils its around the great fire in the middle of the village. The Chief and the MEDICINEMAN stand together, in front of the Chief's teepee. They face the rest of the council.
CHIEF
At sunrise we attack the Fort!
Loud roars and shouts and hollers.
CHIEF
(continuing)
We'll slaughter the Bluecoats in their sleep!
(beat)
But don't burn down the Fort...
MEDICINE MAN
Why not? It is customary...
we are savages!
CLOSE SHOT - CHIEF - MEDICINEMAN
CHIEF
(to Medicine Man)
No! No!...
I've got a deal to make it a Club Med resort!
(beat)
Hey, it’s a better retirement plan,
under the circumstances, since an
I.R.A. Tax benefits are still 83 years away.
ANGLE - THE WHOLE WAR COUNCIL
as Brave One rises and waves his arm for attention-- using naval flags.
CHIEF
(pointing in back)
Go ahead, Brave One.
It's still behind the teepee!
BRAVE ONE
That wasn't my need.
I wish to speak.
The Chief waves his arm in recognition and approval. Brave One steps into the light of the council fire.
BRAVE ONE
Gentlemen of the Council, I wish to
present before you a very serious
question.
(beat)
Who shall continue this irrational
and sociopathic behavior once all our
tribal terrorists have been
killed or incarcerated?
ANGLE - THE WAR COUNCIL
as CAMERA PANS the Council, most are not listening.
BRAVE ONE (O.S.)
(continuing)
The Chief assumes that another
surprise attack on the Bluecoats will
be any better than the last 150 such
attempts. That is very unlikely.
BACK TO SCENE
BRAVE ONE
(continuing)
As it is, our tribe now consists of little
more than old women and young children.
Who shall protect and teach them? Who
will hunt the buffalo to feed them? You?
The Chief steps forward.
CHIEF
Irrelevant question! We are barbarous,
uncivilized heathens. Fighting and dying in
useless, wasteful bloodthirsty battle is our
historical destiny.
(beat)
Besides, the Bluecoats are our enemies.
They must admit defeat before this war can end!
ANGLE - MEDICINE MAN
still standingnext to the Chief's teepee.
MEDICINE MAN
(to audience)
Droppings of the sacred buffalo!
That makes about as much sense as the
Great White Father in Washington
saying, "Read my lips... trust me...
we will protect your unalienable rights!"...
Right!
(beat)
P.S. Would the editors of the
Times Mirror Company please define
"unalienable"... for the public?
Medicine Man moves to stand next to Brave One as the CAMERA PULLS BACK.
MEDICINE MAN
(continuing; to Brave One)
Let me try.
(to Council; dancing around the fire)
Ne, ah, hey, nonny, nonny, ya, ya, nun, nun, hey!
(stops; looks into fire)
The gods have sent us many bad omens.
Our horses are gone... our meat stores
have soured... and our squaws are barren.
The Chief jumps in.
CHIEF
(screaming)
Barren squaws? That's got nothing to
do with it. No one's been home to
take care of that!
Medicine Man turns to face the Chief.
MEDICINE MAN
That is a bad omen.
The Chief begins to jump up and down in a childish temper tantrum.
CHIEF
(stamping feet)
Doesn't matter! I'm the Head Chief of
this tribe. And if I say we stupidly
throw our lives away to make the
White-Eyes rich...
that's exactly what we do!
(beat; calm)
Now, the Council will vote.
ANGLE - THE COUNCIL
CAMERA PANS as each WARCHIEF casts his vote (bury a knife in the ground is 'YES', laying the knife down on the ground is'NO') ... there is an eight-vote tie. The Chief breaks a tie. CAMERA RETURNS to the Chief as he counts the votes, then starts jumping up and down, like a child.
CHIEF
Right on! 5 to 4... we fight!
EXT. OPEN PLAIN - NIGHT
The deserted plain glows in the ghostly sheen of moonlight. Ol' Mole-Eye staggers into view. He moves forward, then slumps against the Poohawk territorial marker: (a wooden sign) ”POOHAWK INDIAN TERRITORY - ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!”
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - EPIC
CAMERA PANS away from the wooden sign, to show Tumbleweeds riding Epic into the Indian territory.
CAMERA FOLLOWS as Tumbleweeds sees Mole-Eye, and jumps off of Epic, who abruptly stops. Tumbleweeds slides to Mole- Eye's side (like Al Jolson). Epic simply slumps to the ground and falls asleep.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - MOLE-EYE
TUMBLEWEEDS
Mole-Eye! Old friend...are you alive?
MOLE-EYE
Probably, Tumbleweeds. I hope the
afterlife is less painful... and less
humiliating, than my present condition.
TUMBLEWEEDS
The preacher says so.
Unless you draw to a down card.
(beat)
What about the Indians?
MOLE-EYE
What about them? They were not threatened
with marriage to the Chief's maiden brother-in-law.
TUMBLEWEEDS
What a horrible thought.
(beat)
But I meant the war. Are they going to stop?
MOLE-EYE
Not within the realm of consideration.
The Chief recommends we all take a long
vacation.
But this is only 1869...Woodstock is
still 100 years away.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Well, it’s the thought that counts.
(beat)
Now, we'd better get you to Doc Stones.
(beat; to Epic)
Epic! Wake up, you ol’ flea blanket.
ANGLE - GROUP
Epic's eyes open, but his body doesn't move. Tumbleweeds stands up -- dropping Mole-Eye's head on the ground -- he walks over to the prone pony. He draws out his revolver and points it at Epic.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Do we ride... or bury... you?
Epic jumps to attention-- his hind knees knock in fear.
EXT. THE DESERT PLAIN - NIGHT
as Epic runs back to town. Tumbleweeds is in the saddle, while Mole-Eye rides facing backwards, laid over Epic's rump.
EXT. POOHAWKVILLAGE - SUNRISE- LONGSHOT - CAVALRY
On the cliff above the village, the Cavalry prepares to attack. The Colonel and the Captain are on their hands and knees, peeking over the edge.
The rest of the soldiers wait in formation, asleep in their saddles.
COLONEL
Ooh, ooh! See. I told you.
The poor red devils will never
even know what hit them.
COLONEL'S POV - POOHAWKVILLAGE
all is very quiet.
CAPTAIN (O.S.)
Sir, you can't intend to attack them in
their sleep! Where is your military honor?
ANGLE - COLONEL - CAPTAIN
COLONEL
(rising; excited)
To hell with honor...this is war!
EXT. ARMY POST – SUNRISE - POOHAWKS
Outside the fort, the Chief and Medicine Man peek out from behind a rock.
CHIEF
Well, Bones! Look no guards.
We'll slit their paleface throats,
while their snores are still in them.
MEDICINE MAN
I have warned you before that the
bad omens have prevailed
throughout this fiasco!
(beat; points)
But that is the worst!
CHIEF'S POV - THE FORT
A long view of the front of the fort. The great gates are spread wide open. From within the fort, out walks LOTSA LUCK, the tiny non-generic Indian suburbanite.
(to be continued)
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