(continued)
DEPUTY
(to Sheriff)
Don't shout!
You know that scares me.
CLOSE ANGLE - GROUP
SHERIFF
Get those two into the jail. Soppy help 'im.
Then both of you keep your eyes on 'em.
JUDGE
We'll hold a hanging trial in the morning!
EXT. CHIEF’S TEEPEE (INSIDE ARMY POST) - DAY
TUMBLEWEEDS
Not yet, Judge.
(beat; beating dust off his clothes)
They're gonna be witnesses against
their boss.
Deputy and Soppy are walking Roy and Cal up the steps, toward the jail.
ROY
Don't hold your breath, sonny.
ACE
If'n you ain’t witnesses, it'll be
you needin 'to hold your breath.
ANGLE - ACE
Ace then does an impression of being hanged -- holding up his tie, and "bugging out" his eyes.
BACK TO SCENE
as Roy and Cal "shiver".
EXT. CHIEF’S TEEPEE (ARMY POST) - DAY
The Chief's head sticks out of the teepee as he lays on the ground.
In the b.g. Brave One and Limpid Lizard are SEEN climbing over the back of the outer wall. They cross to the Chief's teepee. They are talking together (not audible).
CHIEF
Where is that midget in moccasins?
I thought he went with you two.
BRAVE ONE
Look up, oh glorious one.
ANGLE - GROUP - LOTSA LUCK
as Lotsa Luck parachutes into the encampment, using a handkerchief.
CHIEF
(sarcastically)
I was so worried.
I was afraid the brave Indian warrior
had succumbed to the white-eyes'
diabolical bang sticks.
Lotsa Luck, landing gently to the ground, as a note falls over the Chief's face.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Never fear, oh languishing one!
I shall never be far from your side.
CHIEF
Oh, relax my joyous heart.
(beat)
Why have you returned empty-handed...
and alive? Answer the second part first.
LIMPID LIZARD
We waz cap-toured by cill-villians.
Den dey let us go.
CHIEF
(exasperated)
My cup runneth over.
BRAVE ONE
You have missed the essence of our message,
my siege. Those of the white village have
proclaimed themselves our friends.
CHIEF
(credulous)
Will the miracles never cease?
A note lands on his face. INSERT - a note.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
You expend too much energy.
(beat)
The white villagers have discovered a
bough weevil in their own crop.
BACK TO SCENE
BRAVE ONE
He who has been your blood-brother,
the one they call Sampton. He has been
forking his tongue to both Poohawks
and the one with yellow toupee.
The Chief leaps to his feet, crashing into Medicine Man.
CHIEF
(excitedly)
What? What is this?
MEDICINE MAN
(stoic)
It appears your dreams and schemes have
become the reality of smoke and mirrors.
The Chief grabs Lotsa Luck by his ponytail and lifts him into the air.
CHIEF
(excitedly)
Speak you insipid imp!
Lotsa Luck hands a note to the Medicine Man.
INSERT - another note.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Apparently, he is somewhat
distraught. Please, inquire whether he
intends to free me... or adopt.
BACK TO SCENE
MEDICINE MAN
(to the Chief)
Feather-brain, he can't answer you,
while dangling precariously from
under your armpit.
The Chief drops Lotsa Luck, who lands "catlike" upon the ground.
LIMPID LIZARD
Cheef! We got mor nous fer ya.
CHIEF
(disgusted)
I'm overwhelmed by honor.
LIMPID LIZARD
Well, so waz we. Dem whit folk tore
up dem really big bang sticks.
E'en da bluecoats caint use 'em.
Both the Chief and the Medicine Man react, in surprise.
BRAVE ONE
Tis true. The pony rider who always
cuts across the Poohawk reservation.
He destroyed the tiny metal
that makes the mighty guns work.
ANGLE - MEDICINE MAN
MEDICINE MAN
(to audience)
I'm impressed.
Not really surprised, though.
(beat)
You and I already know how this ends.
ANGLE - GROUP
The Chief is shocked, confused. Then he is angry, again.
CHIEF
Fools! They have the one in their
village, they call "Smitty". He will
just make them new tiny metal.
Then the big guns will work, again.
Against us!
EXT. ARMY POST (OUTSIDETHE WALL) - DAY - CAVALRY
as a lone soldier rides hard, and comes to a "hard" stop in front of the Colonel and the Captain.
CAPTAIN
Report, Corporal.
CORPORAL
Sirs. The Poohawks have cleaned out
the village of all supplies.
COLONEL
(disgusted)
What about Grimy Gulch?
Are the townspeople bringing wagons up?
CORPORAL
No, Sir. The townspeople say they are
not going to supply anything more to,
and I quote, an Army with totally no
regard for life, liberty or pursuit of
decent individuality.
COLONEL
(screaming)
They what?!
CORPORAL
And... sir... they said if you come
charging into their town... they will
shoot you down...like a dog... sir.
COLONEL
WHAT!
(beat)
What is this world coming to? When a man
can't even do his job, without the moralistic
swamp water of others trying to manipulate
his actions! It’s just interference which led to
our economic recession.
The Colonel's face is turning bright red.
CAPTAIN
Sir! Get a hold of yourself! Remember,
you're a graduate of the Academy.
(beat; to himself)
Bottom of the class... but never-the-less...
ANGLE - COLONEL - CAPTAIN
COLONEL
(regaining some composure)
You're absolutely correct, Captain.
(beat)
Burn that fort down!
CAPTAIN
Sir?!
COLONEL
By god, if I can't have it, no one will.
Light the torches!
ANGLE - CAVALRY
Several soldiers leap to their feet, and begin lighting sticks.
COLONEL
I said, throw them!
The soldiers swing hard and throw their burning torches into the air.
ANGLE - TORCHES (IN THE AIR)
as single arrows "deftly" knock each torch out of the sky.
ANGLE - CAVALRY – POOHAWKS
Several braves stand on the wall, with the Chief and Brave One, watching the torches crash to the ground, harmlessly.
CHIEF
(pompous)
You'll have to try harder, ol' boy.
Remember the Cavalry motto...
Fail at something everyday, or
die trying!
COLONEL
You red-skinned, standup comic!
Don't make fun of my alma mater!
CAPTAIN
(to himself)
Yeah, that's our job.
The Colonel gives the Captain a "dirty" look.
CHIEF
Why don't you come on in, Yellow Hair?
I need some new matting for my
welcome mat.
ANGLE - COLONEL - CAPTAIN - CORPORAL
COLONEL
(to the Corporal)
Go... get... it.
The Corporal exits at a run.
CAPTAIN
What are you going to do, now?
COLONEL
(deliciously)
Demonstrate our contempt for that
heathen renegade.
After a beat, the Corporal returns with the Chief's ceremonial headdress. The Colonel grabs it, and begins to wave it over his head.
CHIEF (O.S.)
NOOOOO!
ANGLE - POOHAWKS
The Chief and Brave One are among the Indians jumping and screaming at the obvious threat to their tribal traditions. The Medicine Man and Limpid Lizard appear on the wall, and survey the situation.
MEDICINE MAN
(to the audience)
Yellow Hair appears to have found a
way to touch the Poohawk hearts.
Too bad we'll have to kill him for it.
(beat; to audience)
The Chief appears scared witless.
But that would assume he had any
wits to start with.
The Medicine Man crosses to the Chief and Brave One.
MEDICINE MAN
(continuing)
Gentlemen, constrain yourselves.
You are acting like the savage barbarians
they accuse you of being.
CHIEF
(hysterical)
You herbalistic nitwit! They are desecrating
our most cherished tribal symbol!
MEDICINE MAN
So what? Didn't you write on their
bathroom wall?
The Chief is shocked into stillness.
CHIEF
(distracted)
That was different. I was trying to
pass the time.
(beat)
But this is outright, civilized, abuse of
non-specified authority!
BRAVE ONE
Witch doctor, we must observe the
deeper ramifications of this.
MEDICINE MAN
I've warned you about calling me that.
You want to wake up one morning,
as a lamb...in the Chief's tent?
BRAVE ONE
(taken back)
My apologies, oh mysterious one!
But, I'd much rather discover
myself as one of Limpid Lizard's
pet turtles. The prospects are less...
revolting.
MEDICINE MAN
I'll consider that.
(beat)
As for the ramifications, the headdress
is just a symbol, a new one can be
just as symbolic.
LIMPID LIZARD
But... that sim-bull-jism comes from
how 'ard it is to pluck dem eagles.
CHIEF
Right! And it took me three weeks
to get all of those!
The Chief points at the Colonel and the headdress.
MEDICINE MAN
You? You had seven other braves
catch all of those eagles.
CHIEF
(defensively)
True.
(beat)
But I had to watch every one of them,
from horseback.
And you know how I chafe.
(beat)
A War Council!
All the main characters leave the wall, except Medicine Man and two braves -- serving as guards.
ANGLE - MEDICINE MAN
leaning on the wall, relaxed, staring at the Cavalry.
MEDICINE MAN
(to the audience)
Don't worry.
He'll use any old excuse to throw a war council.
Medicine Man stands up straight, and turns to leave the wall. Then turns back to face the audience.
MEDICINE MAN
(continuing)
He loves to dance around the fire,
whoopin' and hollarin'. The savage.
INT. JAIL (GRIMY GULCH) - NIGHT
The Deputy is trying desperately to make a "cat's cradle" with a piece of string, while Soppy "snores" loudly in one cell. Roy and Cal are together in the only other cell.
INT. SALOON(GRIMY GULCH) - NIGHT - CROWD
The Saloon is full, but the crowd is not drinking. This is a town meeting, and at the front table is Judge Frump, the Sheriff and Tumbleweeds. In the crowd are Ace, Claude Clay, Wimble and Grover.
As CAMERA PANS the room, AD LIBS of "something has to be done", and "What are you going to do about this?" are shouted throughout the crowd.
JUDGE FRUMP
Everybody!
(beat)
Everybody get a grip on yourself!
We're all here to decide what to do...
but we can't do anything until ya'll
stop actin' like savages!
The SHOUTS and AD LIBS continue, until the Sheriff draws his pistol and FIRES three shots into the ceiling.
INSERT - CLOSEUP - MEDICINE MAN
MEDICINE MAN
(to audience)
That word, savage, sure is getting
overworked in this story.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - JUDGE - SHERIFF
SHERIFF
Now that we've got your attention...
keep your mouths shut...
and your minds open.
JUDGE FRUMP
Thank you, Sheriff. Now...
the first question is...
has anyone seen Burt Sampton
since the wagon came in?
ANGLE - GROVER - CROWD
as the News Editor stands up.
GROVER
Not since he hightailed it out of town...
with Abner Grimes' best saddle horse.
SEVERAL OTHERS
Yeah!
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - JUDGE - SHERIFF
TUMBLEWEEDS
Pony Express riders were sent to every town
in the territory. Every local sheriff and
Express rider is looking for him.
ANGLE – ROOM
ACE
(rising)
It's real unlikely he'll leave here.
JUDGE FRUMP
Why's that?
ACE
'Cause without them two cowboys in
the jailhouse, there ain't no one to accuse him.
SHERIFF
You mean...
you expect he'll try to kill them ol' boys?
ACE
I would.
Then Ace returns to his seat.
TUMBLEWEEDS
I gotta agree with Ace. This guy has been
lettin' the Army and the Indians kill each other.
No reason to believe he won't try to clean up
his own house.
SHERIFF
Right!
(beat; rising)
Some of you men in the back, grab your rifles
and hightail over to the jail. Surround it.
I'll get you relieved in a short while.
Several men rise, cross to bar, get guns and leave.
CLAUDE CLAY
We still haven't decided what
we're really going to do.
JUDGE FRUMP
(angrily)
Catch the dang fool! And hang him!
Several in the crowd AD LIB shouts and agreements.
EXT. BEHIND THE JAIL (GRIMY GULCH) - NIGHT - SAMPTON
as Burt is sneaking up to the back of the jail.
BURT
(whispering into window)
Hey, Roy! Hey, Cal!
INT. JAIL CELL (GRIMYGULCH) - NIGHT- ROY - CAL
The cell is dark, but not black. Light comes from the bright area in the front of the jail.
BURT (O.S.)
Hey, Roy!
Both men hear the whisper, and jump up to the window.
CAL
Hey, boss... what's new?
Burt's face appears in the window.
BURT
(whispering)
Keep your dang voice down!
That fool deputy ain't deaf!
ROY
Boss, you here to bust us out?
EXT./INT. BEHIND THE JAIL - NIGHT - SAMPTON- ROY - CAL
The jailed cowboys can be SEEN through the window. Burt is standing next to the window -- with two sticks of dynamite in his hand.
BURT
Something like that. I wanted to
make sure both of you are okay.
CAL
We're fine, boss.
But they know about you.
Burt reacts- angry, but not surprised. Then composes himself.
BURT
I expected that. Anything else?
ROY
Yeah, boss. They got a real witness.
The little girl. She done heard and
saw everything.
BURT
Dang it.
(beat; calm)
Well, that's business.
Burt reaches into his vest pocket for a match. Pulls it out and begins to light it. Suddenly, LOUD noises can be HEARD O.S., as a crowd of armed men from the Saloon approach the front of the jail.
TOWNSMAN (O.S.)
You guys go around back.
You two by the stables.
Burt returns the match to his pocket, and "flips" the dynamite casually.
BURT
Sorry, boys... I gotta go.
Try to come back... later.
CAL
(nearly shouting)
Come on, boss...it's a lynch mob!
BURT
Better hope it ain't! Bye!
Burt runs out into the open night, away from the jail and town.
EXT. ARMY POST (INSIDEFORT) - DAY - CHIEF - MEDICINEMAN
As the Chief lays on the ground with his head sticking out of the teepee. Medicine Man stands nearby with two aspirin and a glass of water.
MEDICINE MAN
The brave leader of his people.
The divine symbol of manhood.
CHIEF
(painfully; William Shatner’s voice)
Shut up, Bones.
The Chief opens his mouth -- wide -- and Medicine Man drops the aspirin into the hole.
CHIEF
(continuing; swallowing)
This hangover is killing me.
And we didn't even have firewater last night.
MEDICINE MAN
Well... jumping around like an idiot,
and screaming like an Irish banshee
for several hours, does this to you every time.
Then Medicine Man just pours the water over the Chief's head -- not into his mouth.
MEDICINE MAN
(continuing)
Perhaps, a bath might help you.
CHIEF
(despondently)
I can always count on you... to care.
MEDICINE MAN
So... what are your glorious orders
for today's activities?
(beat)
Perhaps a mass suicide. We could be
in the history books 105 years before
Jim Jones.
CHIEF
Please, no optimism. You simply overwhelm
me with honor and courage.
Lotsa Luck enters and hands a note to Medicine Man.
MEDICINE MAN
(to the Chief)
Your breakfast awaits your carcass.
CHIEF
Tell that laconic leprechaun to get out
of my face... or I'll have him served to
the Bluecoats... for lunch.
Lotsa Luck hand another note to the Medicine Man, then turns to leave.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
A bit piquish this morning... isn't he?
BACK TO SCENE
MEDICINE MAN
Must be his Doc Martens are too tight.
EXT. ARMY POST (OUTSIDEFORT) - DAY - COLONEL- CAVALRY
Morning formation is breaking up, and the men are moving to the meal line.
The Captain enters with a bowl of food, and offers it to the Colonel.
COLONEL
(despondent)
Gruel, again?
CAPTAIN
(unconcerned)
We have to make the supplies last.
COLONEL
But I've hated gruel all my life.
Even more since that Dickens fellow wrote
all those newspaper stories.
CAPTAIN
That's life.
The Captain turns and leaves, as the Colonel "painfully" drinks his breakfast. Then he throws the bowl to the ground.
COLONEL
(voice lowered)
Captain! Get a detail ready with torches!
The Captain runs back toward his commanding officer.
CAPTAIN
(loud)
What!
COLONEL
Lower your voice
(beat)
I want that fort burned to the ground...
before lunch! Now!
ANGLE - COLONEL - CAPTAIN - TORCH DETAIL
The soldiers hold burning wood, ready for their "attack" command.
EXT. ARMY POST (ON THE WALL) - BRAVE ONE - LIMPID LIZARD
LIMPID LIZARD
Dey gonna tri to fri us agin?
BRAVE ONE
Apparently so.
Brave One turns to one of the other Indians.
BRAVE ONE
(continuing)
Fetch a squad of archers. Full quivers.
The Indian scurries away. After a beat, several braves appear on the wall -- ready to launch their ammunition.
EXT. ARMY POST (OUTSIDE FORT) – COLONEL – CAPTAIN - CAVALRY
looking at the Indians on the wall O.S.
COLONEL
Darn their heathen hides.
Those savages must be psychic or something.
CAPTAIN
Why, sir? Because they can see this far...
and recognize torches?
COLONEL
Captain, you are about to press my good
nature too far. Stop it... or I'll place you
under arrest. And scalp you, myself...
after all these red devils have found true virtue.
CAPTAIN
(resolute)
Sir, I tremble at the contemplation that
you might actually do something yourself...
besides whine.
COLONEL
Men... prepare to fire torches!
Suddenly, the SOUND of a wagon and horses draws their attention away from the fort.
COLONEL
(continuing)
What the hecks going on... now?
A soldier runs up to the officers.
SOLDIER
Sir! Townspeople headed this way.
And they're in a real big hurry!
COLONEL
Captain... take a squad of men,
and stop those civilians from...
from interfering in my military operation.
CAPTAIN
(casually)
I guess I had better see what they want.
Wouldn't want any unfortunate accidents...
would we?
The Captain exits towards the new arrivals.
COLONEL
(to Captain O.S.)
You're pushing me, boy!
You're pushing me!
(beat; louder)
Just because your widowed momma
went off and married a Senator,
don't mean you can keep taking special
privileges with your mouth!
EXT. ARMY POST (OUTSIDEFORT) - DAY
Tumbleweeds brings Epic to a stop half way between the Cavalry and the fort.
The wagon comes up behind and stops. Ace and Wimble are on the wagon. The Captain, the Corporal and two soldiers enter and cross to the waiting Townspeople.
CAPTAIN
Gentlemen, this is not a very good
time for a visit.
ACE
With you soldiers, when is a good time?
WIMBLE
(to himself)
Right after the battle…
But before someone orders the graves dug.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - CAPTAIN
Tumbleweeds, jumping down off of Epic, to stand next to the Captain.
TUMBLEWEEDS
We got something to show you.
Tumbleweeds and the Captain cross to the back of the wagon. Ace turns around on the bench, and "flips" the blanket to one side.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - CAPTAIN - ACE - WAGON
CAPTAIN
Gatling guns!
(beat; shock)
Are you offering these to us?
The Colonel comes running up to the wagon.
COLONEL
(happy as a child)
Gatling guns! Oh, happy day!
Quick, men... get these setup...
and kill them heathens!
Tumbleweeds takes off his hat, and "slaps" the Colonel over the head with it.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Stop it! You dang fool!
The Colonel comes to an abrupt stop, shocked that any civilian would attack an officer of the Colonial Army.
COLONEL
You struck me, sir.
I shall have you drawn and quartered.
Tumbleweeds draws his six-gun and sticks it in the Colonel's stomach. The Captain waves off the soldiers, who instinctively react when their commander is assaulted.
TUMBLEWEEDS
And, sir... if you give that order it will
be the last words ever to pass over
those repulsive lips.
(beat)
Now, listen. Those guns don't work.
I destroyed them.
COLONEL
You what?!
Then he remembers the gun in his belly.
COLONEL
(calm; coolly)
Why would anyone want to do such a thing?
ACE
To prevent dang fools, like yourselves,
from killing a lot of innocent folk.
White and red.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Especially, fools who let other fools
manipulate them and lead them
around by the nose.
WIMBLE
(shivering)
That must hurt real awful!
CAPTAIN
(stoic)
It has been known to be an
enjoyable pain... for some.
COLONEL
(confused; stern)
What are you all muttering about?
TUMBLEWEEDS
Burt Sampton has played you for
a patsy, Colonel. And you're just
too stupid to know it.
EXT. ARMY POST (ON THE WALL) - CHIEF - MEDICINE MAN - BRAVE ONE
CHIEF
(shouting)
What in the name of Lillian Gish's garters
is going on out there?
(beat)
What are you arbitrary pontificators up to?
INTERCUT the Indians on the wall, with the Cavalry and Tumbleweeds on the ground. The Colonel forgets the gun threatening him, when he hears the Chief.
COLONEL
(shouting)
You paganistic infidel! We're making the
final arrangements to sent you to Eternity!
Tumbleweeds FIRES his six-gun into the air.
TUMBLEWEEDS
We're not!
(beat)
And we want a Pow Wow... right here...
right now!
CHIEF
(coy)
Can't make it.
Golfing practice in ten minutes.
(beat)
Perhaps you can forward a copy
of your meeting to my secretary.
Mine'll call yours... maybe next week.
Tumbleweeds FIRES twice more into the air.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Right now!
(beat)
Or I'll order those gatling guns turned on
that fort... and you'll be terminally late
for your golf lessons.
MEDICINE MAN
Seems you've been placed between the
proverbial rock and the hard place.
Put up, or shut up.
CHIEF
(disgusted)
Are you sure you're Poohawk?
(beat)
Sometimes you really smell like a Blackfoot.
MEDICINE MAN
Be thankful you are never downwind...
from you.
The Chief gives the Medicine Man "an inappropriate" hand-sign (silly, not obscene).
CHIEF
(to Tumbleweeds)
You win. But I'm bringing out five.
You can't have any more.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Fair enough.
(to the Captain)
Have the rest of your men move back,
several hundred yards.
CAPTAIN
My very personal pleasure.
COLONEL
(disgusted; angered)
Wait a cotton-gin picking minute! Who's giving
the blessed orders around here, anyway?
TUMBLEWEEDS
Until further notice... I am.
Tumbleweeds is stick pointing the gun at the Colonel.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - COLONEL - CHIEF - CAPTAIN - ACE - MEDICINE MAN - BRAVE ONE - LIMPID LIZARD - DIGGER
Everyone is sitting around a modest fire. In the b.g., two soldiers sit on the back of the wagon, and guard the gatling guns.
TUMBLEWEEDS
I don't care if you don't want to believe me.
But it's true. Burt Sampton was using the two of you...
to kill each other. Just so he could make a profit,
by selling the land away from you.
COLONEL
That scallywag!
CHIEF
I'll have him tied to an anthill,
and covered with bee slime.
MEDICINE MAN
(to the Chief)
That's honey.
CHIEF
(shocked; to Medicine Man)
Not in front of strangers.
A note floats into Tumbleweeds' hands, as everyone stares at the Chief.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
It is not as you might suspect.
Our glorious leader, has delusions.
He really believes non-divine spirits
live in his shorts.
BACK TO SCENE
Tumbleweeds shows the note to Ace, and both men just shrug their shoulders, then return to the Pow Wow.
CAPTAIN
Gentlemen, I suggest that the
Poohawks return to their village.
And we'll return to the Post. Then I
can send out riders to all the other forts.
(beat)
We should be able to apprehend
Sampton within a fortnight.
BRAVE ONE
And the fastest runners from the Poohawks
shall break wind to the other Indian nations.
This man of less-than-acceptable-parentage
shall not get far from these hills.
COLONEL
Heck no! All that's irrelevant!
I don't care spit what Sampton may have
done, or not! I'm gonna kill all them
red-skinned heathens.
The Colonel leaps to his feet, followed a split-second later by the Chief, with his knife drawn.
CHIEF
Tis true enough! The Bluecoats must die!
Tumbleweeds and the Captain leap to their feet, draw and FIRE several shots into the air. The rest stand up, as well. The Colonel and the Chief freeze.
TUMBLEWEEDS
All right! If that's the way it is...
then just you two!
(beat)
You two fight, one-on-one,
until one you is dead.
Whoever wins the fight,
wins the war.
The Colonel and the Chief react -- shocked and distracted.
COLONEL
You mean, by myself?
No soldiers with repeater rifles,
shooting holes in these monsters?
(to be continued)
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