(continued)
Lotsa Luck is dressed in a feather headband and a kitchen apron. He moves directly towards the rock.
ANGLE - CHIEF - MEDICINE MAN - LOTSA LUCK
Lotsa Luck never speaks aloud. He writes a message, and hands it to the Chief, who swoons in disgust and tosses the note to Medicine Man, who reads it.
(NOTE: Whenever Lotsa Luck writes a note, a small reproduction will be superimposed in the corner of the screen.)
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Breakfast is served.
You have the choice of Belgian waffles
or Denver omelets.
Lotsa Luck turns back towards the fort. The warriors stampede past him, running over the Chief. Medicine Man stops to help the Chief stand up, dazed and confused.
MEDICINE MAN
(to Lotsa Luck)
Where are the Bluecoats?
Lotsa Luck writes a message and hands it to Medicine Man.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
They are attacking our village...
However, no one is serving them
a gourmet meal.
The Chief returns to reality.
CHIEF
The women and children?
Lotsa Luck hands note to the Chief.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Not to worry, oh injurious one!
I have maintained a complete
serving staff.
CHIEF
(considering)
Then the fort is ours. We Have Won!
Lotsa Luck hands him another note.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Not to burst your bubble...
you have Yellowhair's home...
and he has your wigwam!
The Chief pauses, then begins dancing around in circles, whooping and hollering.
CHIEF
I got the most. I still win!
Lotsa Luck passes a written thought.
LOTSA LUCK (O.S.)
And, pray tell, who shall pluck the eagle
for your new headdress?
CHIEF
(absolute fear)
No! No! My beautiful feathers!...
Oy Vey!
The Chief groans and wanders around in a circle holding his head.
CLOSE SHOT - MEDICINEMAN
Medicine Man steps to one side…and addresses the audience directly.
MEDICINE MAN
In our custom, he who wears the
eagle's headdress is the head chief.
So, this creates the very classic
fictional irony. Who, now, is the
leader of the ancient clan of the
Poohawk bloodline?
(beat; pointing to Chief)
Let us wait, and see what develops.
ANGLE - CHIEF - MEDICINE MAN - BRAVE ONE - LIMPID LIZARD
Medicine returns to the scene. Lotsa Luck is gone. Brave One and Limpid Lizard now stand nearby.
BRAVE ONE
(to Medicine Man)
This does appear to hinder this
afternoon's festivities.
(to the Chief)
Without your official headdress,
we will have no one to be 'Mum'
at High Tea.
CHIEF
(incredulously)
It's good we haven't lost sight of
the real implications of this crisis.
LIMPID LIZARD
(waving his arms)
I'll be da Mum... please...
I wanta be da Mummy!
CHIEF
Well, then...we can just have Low Tea.
EXT. POOHAWKVILLAGE - DAY - CAVALRY
The Cavalry charges into the quiet village -- whooping and hollering -- only to find it empty.
COLONEL
Whoa!
(stopping his horse)
Where the heck are the savages?!
The Captain comes to a stop beside the Colonel.
CAPTAIN
Sir, the village has been abandoned.
COLONEL
(excitedly)
Dang Fool!
I can see that for myself!
(beat; to the soldiers)
Careful, men...
this may be a slick heathen trick.
Lt. Terrence arrives, stopping next to the Captain, then whispers.
LT. TERRENCE
Sir, perhaps the Poohawks have moved
to another encampment?
COLONEL
(overhearing)
So, that would be just like them!
The cowardly cruds didn't even have
the guts to stay and die like the
scum they are.
CAPTAIN
(to Terrence)
No, Lieutenant. Had the Poohawks
abandoned this sight, they would
have taken everything to include
the teepees...
(pointing)
... and the tanning booths.
CAPTAIN'S POV - TWO TEEPEES
both near the riverbank, away from the other teepees, and neon signs announcing: "GENUINE INDIAN COLOR" RESTORED - TUESDAYS ARE DISCOUNT DAYS"
ANGLE - COLONEL - SOLDIERS
The Colonel has dismounted and is kicking up dirt, like a little kid in a tantrum.
COLONEL
All right, Mister Smarty-pants,
tell me just where are the savages?
CAPTAIN
Most probably... sir... they are presently
attacking our unguarded and totally
accessible military installation.
COLONEL
(utter shock)
Lord, no!
Not my lovely early American log post!
(beat; jumping into saddle)
Why didn't you tell me that before?
CAPTAIN
(casually)
Sir, your instructions were to not offer
any personal or unsubstantiated
hypothesis.
COLONEL
(flustered)
I told you to keep your bloody
mouth shut! Not to keep pertinent
information away from me...
(beat; waving to the troops)
I'll have you court-martialed
when this is over!
The Colonel turns and rides off, the Captain shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly, then waves the mounted soldiers forward.
EXT. GRIMY GULCH – EARLY MORNING
Several townspeople are moving around to their early morning routine. One fellow -- a prospector-looking old coot -- is seen walking back to the hotel from the outhouse, in his longjohns and cowboy boots.
The barricade guards begin to move the wagons, again, as Tumbleweeds rides through with Mole-Eye still holding on to Epic's tail. Epic heads straight for the Saloon. Tumbleweeds slides from the saddle as three Townsmen pull an exhausted Mole-Eye off Epic's back.
Judge Frump and Ace exit the Saloon. The Judge is pulling the cloth napkin from his neck, indicating this has interrupted his breakfast. Ace carries a cup of coffee out with him.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(to the Townsmen)
Get him over to Doc Stones....
Careful! You'll get his blood on
my horse blanket!
(to Ace)
Any hot coffee?
ACE
Sure, cowboy. Come on in.
JUDGE FRUMP
(frumpy; confused)
What the... heck...happened?
INT. SALOON(GRIMY GULCH) - DAY
The Bartender is already behind the bar. Soppy is propped up against the bar. The rest of the bar is empty.
Tumbleweeds, Ace and Judge Frump ENTER and move to table with two partially eaten breakfasts set. Tumbleweeds moves to the bar and pours a mug of coffee from the pot on the counter.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(coming to table)
The lesser of two evils.
The injuns captured him as a spy.
ACE
For heaven's sake.
JUDGE FRUMP
(nervously)
Something's got to be done about this.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(tired; aggravated)
Then put your fat carcass on a pony,
and ride out there! And you stop it!
JUDGE FRUMP
(taken aback) Me? No, no... not me!
TUMBLEWEEDS
(coolly)
You are a pompous jackass.
Like all the rest. You complain and moan...
in fear for your lives... and then you beg for
someone else to fix it for you.
But there's not a single man among you
who will do anything.
(beat; rising)
That's why you're always victims.
Tumbleweeds heads for the stairs.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(continuing)
Ace, can I use a room?
I need some sleep.
ACE
Yeah. Try 9.
Sally's already up and about.
(beat; to the Judge)
You know he's right.
We are sheep, and the
wolves will always feed on sheep.
JUDGE FRUMP
But what do we do?
Ace shrugs, then sips from his coffee cup.
EXT. ARMY POST – DAY – LONG SHOT
as seen from the open plain. An Indian brave stands guard above the gate. The Cavalry troop rides up to the gate.
COLONEL
(loudly)
Hey, Heathens!
Get that feather-brained clown
of yours out here!
The Chief appears on the wall next to the brave on guard duty.
CHIEF
Well. If it ain't old Yellar.
Home from your war?
COLONEL
Give Me Back My Fort!
CHIEF
I just cain't do that. Against the rules...
you understand?
(snidely)
Finder's Keepers, White eyes. Your rules...
possession is nine tenths of your law.
COLONEL
If you don't give it back, I'll... I'll...
(catches breath)
I'll burn it down!
Medicine Man joins the Chief on the wall.
CHIEF
(sassy)
That's what I came here to do.
Looks like I win, either way.
The Colonel SCREAMS, spins his horse and...
COLONEL
(shouting)
Spread out...kill them all!
ANGLE - CAVALRY
The soldiers spread out, dismount, hide behind rocks, and begin shooting at the fort. The Indians all mount the wall and begin firing arrows at the soldiers. Bullets and arrows all fall short of their marks -- nobody gets hurt.
After a beat...
COLONEL
Hold your fire!
Don't waste anymore bullets!
We'll starve them out.
ANGLE - CAVALRY
all the soldiers and braves are seen slumping down where they are. Some are asleep.
EXT. ARMY POST - DAY - POOHAWKS
The Chief, Medicine Man, Brave One, Limpid Lizard and Lotsa Luck all stand together in the middle of the fort's yard.
CHIEF
Lotsa Luck, how much food is there?
Lotsa Luck writes a note.
INSERT - A handwritten note.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Given my gourmet menu...
three days.
BACK TO SCENE
CHIEF
(annoyed)
Skip all that high cholesterol frumpery!
This is a siege; how long can we hold out?
Lotsa Luck produces another message.
INSERT - a note.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Peasant!...
Maintaining your bowling alley mentality,
we can wait eight days.
BACK TO SCENE
CHIEF
Just eight days.
MEDICINE MAN
The Bluecoats can easily wait that long.
They will have help from the white-eyes
in the village.
CHIEF
Just what I need right now... a doubting
Thomas. Go read some beaver intestines,
or something. I need to think.
The others turn away from the Chief. Medicine Man turns to the audience.
MEDICINE MAN
Think? That alone would be historical.
ANGLE - LOTSA LUCK - BRAVE ONE - LIMPID LIZARD
as they move off together. Lotsa Luck writes a note and passes it to Brave One.
BRAVE ONE
(reading note)
I can preclude that this political situation
requires very special attention.
(to Lotsa Luck)
Leprechaun, do you have a way out of this?
INSERT - A note.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Absolut Mundo.
BACK TO SCENE
LIMPID LIZARD
(scratching head)
Da cheef ain’t gonna lighk es inturfearin'.
BRAVE ONE
Which would you prefer? To be alive
and face his verbal tirade...
or be dead?
LIMPID LIZARD
Do dat meen Id not see the love
of me lif, agin?
Lotsa Luck hands Limpid Lizard a note.
INSERT - Another note.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
(sympathetically)
The happy hunting ground is a
very lonely life.
BACK TO SCENE
LIMPID LIZARD
Den wat we gotta do?
EXT. MAINSTREET (GRIMY GULCH) - DAY - ECHO
Echo is wandering around the street, looking under porches and into shops.
ECHO
Pajamas!... Pajamas!... Pajamas!
ANGLE - ECHO
looking under the porch of the General Store, as Hildegarde Hamhocker steps out of the store with a broom in her hand.
HILDEGARDE
Child... what are you doin'?
ECHO
Aunt Hildegarde, Pajamas is gone.
I've looked everywhere.
(beat)
He must have been stolen.
HILDEGARDE
Stolen? Not probable.
No one would want him.
(beat)
That dog's so lazy he can't even walk to dinner.
ECHO
He's not lazy! Pajamas is the world’s greatest
guard dog. His outward behavior is a front to
lure criminals into a false sense of security.
Before Pajamas leaps upon them...
very ferociously!
HILDEGARDE
Well, you can look for him.
But don't bother any of the grownups.
ECHO
Yes, ma'am.
(beat; shout)
Pajamas!
Hildegarde beginsto sweep the porch off as Echo continues her search. CAMERA FOLLOWS as Echo moves into the alley between the Saloon and the Barber shop.
EXT. STOCKYARD(GRIMY GULCH) - DAY
Tumbleweeds is sitting on a fencepost, above the cattle in the stockyard. Epic the Wonderhorse is tied nearby.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(loud singing; poorly)
All my Ex’s live in Texas....
Echo comes running up, breathing very hard, and appearing frightened.
ECHO
Mr Tumbleweeds! Mr Tumbleweeds!....
Please!
TUMBLEWEEDS
Echo? Is my singing that bad?
ECHO
Ah... yes, sir.
(beat; politely)
But I'm not allowed to chastise an adult
for the public display of artistic amnesia...
or the musical murder of George Strait.
(catches breath, frightened)
Mr Tumbleweeds, you gotta stop the bad men!
Tumbleweeds jumps down from the fence and kneels next to the little girl. Echo tells him her story. Epic's ears prick up as the little girl speaks.
EXT. ALLEY (GRIMY GULCH)- DAY - ECHO
Echo is searching the alley, and nears the open area in the back. She can hear VOICES of men, and unconsciously sneaks closer to listen.
ANGLE - ECHO - THREE MEN
Standing in a corner of the alley are BURT SAMPTON,CAL COOTER and ROY MONTANE.
BURT SAMPTON
When will the wagon arrive?
CAL COOTER
Tomorrow afternoon.
BURT SAMPTON
Are the guns on boards?
ROY MONTANE
Yes, sir. Two Gatling guns and
5,000 rounds of ammunition.
BURT SAMPTON
Good. Now, I'll be able to get both those
fools to kill each other off.
CAL COOTER
Yessir! Those guns will do the trick!
ROY MONTANE
Mr Sampton? I don't understand.
Why do you want them all dead?
BURT SAMPTON
Because they're all fools. I've got those
two idiots believing that I'm gonna
make them rich!
ROY MONTANE
Ain’t cha?
BURT SAMPTON
Of course not! I have them taking all the blame for
every crime I've done. If they stop fighting long
enough, they'll both know it was me.
(beat)
But they're hatred of each other blinds
them to the truth.
(beat)
They fight so much, that even the
townspeople believe they're robbing
the wagon trains, the stagecoaches,
and the Pony Express.
CAL COOTER
And their war has a whole lot of
folks moving away!
BURT SAMPTON
That's right!
And they sell their farms and shops
to me... at my price!
Echo puts her hands over her mouth - to pretend to be a cry from escaping. Then she rushes back down the alley towards Mainstreet.
EXT. STOCKYARD(GRIMY GULCH) - DAY
As Echo finishes telling Tumbleweeds her story
TUMBLEWEEDS
So that's what this whole thing is all about.
(beat)
Echo, you did a real good thing.
Now, I want you to go straight home.
And don't tell this to anyone.
(beat)
And that means your Aunt Hildegarde, either.
ECHO
But... aren't you gonna stop them?
TUMBLEWEEDS
Yes, ma'am, I am.
But I don't want them to know that I know...
Until I know they can't stop us.
ECHO
Okay... But, I've got to find Pajamas.
TUMBLEWEEDS
No. I'll have Soppy and Wimble look
for Pajamas. You will be much safer if
you stay at home... Please.
ECHO
Yes, sir.
But you make them find Pajamas…
my dog?
TUMBLEWEEDS
(hugging Echo)
It's the least I can do for the young lady
who may have single-handedly
stopped this war.
Tumbleweeds rises, pats Echo on the head, and sends her on her way.
EXT. ARMY POST - DAY - CAVALRY
A modified camp has been set up, out of arrow range, by the soldiers. The Colonel is walking around and around the campfire. He is smoking a pipe with large puffs of smoke rising from the bowl.
The Captain and LT. Terrence watch him. Suddenly, the Colonel begins a loud, hard coughing fit. The others rush forward to help.
CAPTAIN
Sir? Are you all right?
COLONEL
Yes…
(coughing)
Of course…
LT. TERRENCE
Sir, that pipe can kill you.
COLONEL
Not if that red-skinned devil can first.
(cough)
All right...
(cough)
All right... when this senseless exploitation
of another race is completed...
(cough)
Then I'll give up this symbol of
suicidal self-esteem.
CAPTAIN
(sarcastic)
Very prophetic... sir.
EXT. ARMY POST - DAY - POOHAWKS
The inter-yard of the fort is full of teepees. Women and children go about their duties and play. Braves line the walls of the post. The Chief and Medicine Man stand outside one tent.
MEDICINE MAN
Are you happy, now, that your
people have wasted time and effort
to build teepees inside a place that
has more than enough ready-built homes?
CHIEF
My children have done me proud.
(beat)
Besides... did you smell all those homes?...
If this wasn't already a stupid, immoral
conflict... we would have to start one,
just because they stink!
Medicine Man steps to the side, and speaks to the audience.
MEDICINE MAN
Children, please pay close attention
to the number of times these two
opponents in this silly game openly
acknowledge, and confess,
how ridiculous they really are.
(beat)
If you knew what you were doing
was stupid, and that people everywhere
were laughing at you...
wouldn't you just quit?
Medicine Man shrugs his shoulders and returns to his place beside the Chief.
EXT. CEMETERY(GRIMY GULCH) - DAY - SOPPY - WIMBLE - DEPUTY
as all three are looking around and behind the tombstones.
ALL THREE
Here Pajamas!
SOPPY
How come we're looking for that dang dog?
WIMBLE
Because Mr. Tumbleweeds done asked us to.
DEPUTY
Yeah. With this here war on, cain't let
that nice little girl go traipsin' about,
wat wit Injuns and solders shootin’
at ever’thin’ that moves.
SOPPY
But, why me? I was locked up.
Save in jail.
DEPUTY
'Cause, I was needed to help look.
And the Sheriff told me, spa-cift-tic-cally,
not to let you out of my sight.
(beat)
Souse, youse helping to look, too.
'Course, I could tell da' Judge youse
was inco-roptative.
SOPPY
Nah! I'd rather look for the dog,
than clean out the stables
twice in one week.
ALL THREE
Here Pajamas!
EXT. OPEN PLAIN - DAY
A covered wagon drawn by four horses rapidly rolls its way along the cut path of a trail through the open country of rolling hills and brush. In control of the wagon is the DRIVER and beside him, armed and ready is the SHOTGUN RIDER.
The wagon rolls past a speed-limit sign (SPEEDLIMIT 10 MPH). The wagon continues without slowing down.
ANGLE - COVERED WAGON - DRIVER - SHOTGUN RIDER
Suddenly, all the horses trip. They fall forward in a crash, and both riders are thrown to the ground as the wagon comes to an abrupt stop.
Both men lie still, recovering, until a small piece of paper floats down over the Driver's face.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Speeding is against the law.
ANGLE - WAGON RIDERS- INDIANS
DRIVER
(sits up; reading note)
What law?
Driver looks up at Shotgun Rider, already standing, who points behind them. Lotsa Luck stands upon his horse, Cecil, while Brave One and Limpid Lizard point drawn bows at the captured white men.
Another note floats down to the Driver.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Our law...pale puss.
DRIVER
Injuns? What are you doing out here?
Ain't nobody supposed to be out this way.
BRAVE ONE
An incorrect assumption on your part.
Correctly... you are not supposed to be
smuggling illegal arms.
SHOTGUN RIDER
Smuggling! Absolutely not. This is a
legitimate shipment of farming tools
to Grimy Gulch... for Burt Sampton.
DRIVER
Fool! You ain't s'posed to say that name!
LIMPID LIZARD
(to Brave One)
Ain’t dat da whit I whoo solt all dat buffalo
meet to da cheef?
BRAVE ONE
Quite. And our fearless leader shall find this
information less than appetizing, as well.
LIMPID LIZARD
Huh?... oh, ya meen hard ta swallar.
The two Wagoneers try to run away. Lotsa Luck produces a WHISTLE and BLOWS it. The running men look over their shoulders at the sound, and run into BUCOLIC BUFFALO -- a brave as big as a wall. The Wagoneers bounce off the large Indian, and land sitting down where they started -- very hard.
One of Lotsa Luck's notes floats down to the Driver, again.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Please do not make him angry...
White meat only makes him nervous.
DRIVER
What are you goin' do to us?
BRAVE ONE
Like we do in the movies.
(beat)
Tie you to the wheel spokes.
But before we move the wagon!
SHOTGUN RIDER
You can't! That's...that's... uncivilized!
BRAVE ONE
Interesting, isn't it?
But if you treat someone as uncivilized...
you shouldn't be too awfully surprised
when they behave in the manner
anticipated.
EXT. OPEN PLAIN - DAY - WAGON - INDIANS
The covered wagon is now slowly rolling along behind Lotsa Luck, on Cecil. Brave One and Limpid Lizard follow the wagon.
EXT. OPEN PLAIN - DAY - TUMBLEWEEDS - ACE - TOWNSMEN
Heavy brush and small trees line the trail. Tumbleweeds, Ace and some Townsmen are hiding in the cover.
TUMBLEWEEDS
If this takes much longer, these farmers'
fear will outweigh their moral indignation...
and they'll all go home.
ACE
Perhaps the child was mistaken
by what she believed she overheard.
TUMBLEWEEDS
No. She was telling the truth.
Echo is a very smart and proper young lady.
ACE
True. Her aunt would accept, nor allow,
anything less.
TOWNSMAN
I can hear the wagon coming now.
ANGLE - WAGON - INDIANS - AMBUSH
as the wagon and Indians move close enough, the Townsmen jump out from their cover and surround the convoy. The Indians are not surprised, and do not react.
TOWNSMAN
Ain't cha scared, redskins?
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
(hands over note)
Apparently my bio-rhythms have
stuttered in this cycle.
TOWNSMAN
(confused)
Bio-rhythms?
LIMPID LIZARD
An dey cal us he-thins.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - CONVOY
Tumbleweeds steps forward to speak.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Please, Poohawks.
We have no reason to fight your people.
But that wagon belongs to the folks of Grimy Gulch.
ACE
(moving forward)
With it, we can prove that one of our
tribe has started this war between
your tribe and the Army. Without it...
this bloodshed may never end.
LIMPID LIZARD
Wy we bee leev u?
TUMBLEWEEDS
We all have to start trusting our own
instincts, instead of the fears of others.
(beat)
The only way we have to show our
honesty is to let you ride away unharmed.
One of Lotsa Luck's notes floats down to Tumbleweeds, who reads it.
LOTSA LUCK (V.O.)
Perhaps the reason that the White-Eyes
speak with forked tongues, is because
the Poohawks hear with closed ears.
BRAVE ONE
Obviously, the odds are quite against us.
But the Head Honcho shall be very put out to
find that we have so easily supplied weapons
to his favorite enemies.
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - WAGON - THE GROUP
Tumbleweeds climbs into the back of the wagon, and flips the cover back. Next to the two massive guns, the two teamsters are tied up and gagged.
TUMBLEWEEDS
Take this message back to your Chief.
Tumbleweeds uses the handle of his revolver as a hammerhead and smashes the firing pins of both great guns.
LIMPID LIZARD
Dat wuz dum, evn fer a whit I!
BRAVE ONE
However, it was sufficient action to
accept this one's voice.
Lotsa Luck and the other braves turn away, and ride off.
EXT. MAINSTREET (GRIMY GULCH) - DAY - TOWNSPEOPLE
as Tumbleweeds, riding Epic, leads the wagon into town. Men are SEEN moving the barricades so the riders and wagon can enter the street.
ANGLE - SAMPTON
standing in front of his land office. He sees Cal and Roy tied in the back of the wagon. He hurriedly enters his office.
INT. SAMPTON'S OFFICE- DAY - SAMPTON
packing money and papers into a carpetbag. He grabs his hat and starts out the back of the building.
EXT. MAINSTREET (GRIMY GULCH) - DAY - SHERIFF
Tumbleweeds and the wagon stop in front of the jail.
TUMBLEWEEDS
You can lock these two up, Sheriff. Smuggling guns, robbing the stagecoach and the Pony Express, murdering wagon trains... and impersonating the Army and the Poohawks.
ANGLE - CAL - ROY
CAL
(angrily)
We never robbed the stage!
Our boss owns it!
ROY
(to Cal)
You're a moron... you know that?
CAL
I ain't got no religious affiliations!
ROY
Not Mormon, you ideet! A moron!
Oh, forget it.
(beat; to Sheriff)
Just don't lock me up with this!
ANGLE - TUMBLEWEEDS - SHERIFF
SHERIFF
They're obviously the brains in this outfit.
TUMBLEWEEDS
(missing the irony)
Nope, Burt Sampton is.
And I have an eyewitness to his crimes.
SHERIFF
Who?
TUMBLEWEEDS
Miss Echo Hamhocker. She was very
much present when Sampton sent
these putzs to get these guns.
CLOSEUP – ROY
realizing what he's overheard.
LONG SHOT - GROUP
as Judge Frump and Ace walk over from the Saloon. In the b.g. Deputy and Soppy are SEEN running toward the jail.
SHERIFF
(shouting)
Deputy!
The Deputy trips on a "horse pile", and staggers into Soppy, who is very experienced at staggering succeeds in catching both of them.
(to be continued)
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